apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
