the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
