He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
