i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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