I CAN MOONWALK!
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
