Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
