I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
