Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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