I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
