Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
