I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
