I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
you made out with another girl for some wings
If I die, sorry about rent.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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