Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
