the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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