He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
