The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
