Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
