your parents love me but you hate me
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
