There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
