Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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