my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Randomize
