I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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