I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
