So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
