i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
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