Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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