Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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