kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
