Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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