She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
