I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
