i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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