I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
