She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
