i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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