i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
