i love accidental penises.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
