At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
