This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Randomize
