Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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