I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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