??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize