mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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