the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
