ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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