My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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