i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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