Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
