I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
