I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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