i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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