god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
