I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
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Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
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Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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