I think I won the penis lottery.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
do herpes really smell.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
