I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
