When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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